Your conversations with God

I don't know what happens when you die. I wish I did. I wish I knew what really happens. Is it different for everyone? Is it similar? Do others come to greet you? Are you swept away into a new adventure immediately? There are so many thoughts on this subject, but really, we just don't know.

Of course, I've been thinking about this so much since May 20th. My dad passed away on the 21st, but the death process started on the 20th. I saw him on Sunday, the 19th - I had just gotten back from a week long vacation. I remember talking to my sister, her urging me that I should go see him and mom, immediately leaving the restaurant and heading up the road to Harbour River, where they were. I got there and Gil was sleeping, but I went in to give him a quick kiss anyway. He woke up all smiles, asked me how my vacation was, what we did, told me he liked my tan, and then I let him go back to sleep. I wish I had talked to him more. I wish I had known. But he seemed fine! Well, as fine as he had seemed for the past year, but he wasn't.

The next morning, I went to work and was crazy busy. You know how it goes after being out for a week at the end of the fiscal year. I get another email/call from my sister letting me know that she was on her way down and that I needed to go up to Harbour River. I finished my meeting and immediately left. The entire 45 minute ride - I couldn't get there fast enough - I replayed in my head the conversation I should have had with him that Sunday. Why didn't I ask more questions? Why didn't I make him stay awake longer? Why didn't I tell him how very much I loved him, how much he changed my life, how I couldn't imagine life without him... I needed him to tell me what to do, and yet, he was the only one who couldn't.

By the time I arrived, he was already fairly out of it. The hospice nurse had come who had known him for the length of his illness, and she told us that she was afraid to leave - as she would most likely get a call as soon as she got down the road: it would just be a few hours. That was around noon on Monday. Like he did, however, he refused to be on anyone else's timeline. He hung in there, in and out of consciousness until around 11pm on Tuesday evening. My sister, mother, and I were reading their love story book to them. We were laughing and crying. Finally, after hours of telling him all that we needed to say - of telling him how much we love him and how thankful we have always been for him coming into our lives, my mom tells him that it's ok. He can go. We will be ok. In what seemed like seconds, he took his last breath, and just like that, he was gone.

I'm not sure how the world kept spinning, but it did. The days past, the arrangements were made, the stories were told, and lovely notes were sent. But I wonder what Gil was doing? What did he see before he passed away - I know he was seeing something, but it definitely wasn't here. Was Jackson there to greet him? Were his pups Coco Butter Bradham, Millie, Lizzie, and Feather? Were his parents there? Or did God meet him first? What did he say to God? Can you imagine the questions he must have asked? For those of you who don't know, he was inquisitive to say the least.

So I've been picturing this lately - his conversations with God. I can see him pushing back on explanations, trying to understand, giving God a run for his/her money. I hope he's flying - he would love that. I hope he's drinking really great Gin and telling the tallest of tales. I hope he's surrounded by love and his dogs, and mine. I hope that he is warm. I hope that he is happy. I hope that he's in such a wonderful place that he doesn't miss us, although that is a difficult hope to have when we miss him so much.

I guess at the end of the day, we are only really left with hope. Hope for those we love, hope for cures, hope for happiness and adventure, hope for all of our lives and what comes after. I'm so incredibly thankful for all that Gil gave me, but most of all, I am thankful for the hope he continues to bring out in me.

I love you Crowdaddy - thank you - try not to push God too much... ok?