I vote for you, for me, for him.

I voted today for you, for me, for him.

I voted today because I actually do care about people.

I voted today because I care about democracy.

I voted today because I firmly believe that my privilege in this world increases my responsibility to provide for as many as possible. To lift them up. To support equity and access.

I voted today because I would rather hope and love than hate.

I voted today because I believe you deserve the very best life for you.

I voted today because when he grows up, I can look him in the eye and tell him that I didn't remain ignorant because it seemed easier, because I like my cozy little bubble, because I didn't want to worry about something that was troublesome.

I voted today because where we are as a country is simply not ok.

I voted today because people gave their lives for me to have this privilege.

I voted today because it isn't about just me.

I voted today because people and social issues are more important to me than money.

I voted today because I do believe in fiscal responsibility.

I voted today because as they come for me and my family, I want to stop them before they come for yours.

I voted today because we are better than this. We will be better than this.

I voted today because I want us to find our moral compass again.

I voted today because I believe that Jesus would be among the migrant families trying to survive, not guarding the wall. I believe that God first and foremost created us ALL in his image - not only those who look, act, and are at the same economic level as you. I believe that power is a destructive tool in the wrong hands. I believe that people are good; it is power, greed, and ignorance that create hate and anger toward others, especially others who have no effect on your life - at all.

I vote today, because the love I have in my heart for my son means that I have to make the very best world for him and others.

And no, if you support hate, if you say you are a fiscal conservative and a social liberal who votes for the current republican party, then you care more about money than you do about people, so stop acting like it is anything but.

I have seen so many lately saying that we should all be friends no matter how we vote. And until the current administration was in place, I believed that staunchly, and I hope to believe that again.

However, this is not political anymore. If you support the current administration and believe that it is ok to sexually harass people, conduct criminal activity, become allies to countries who are led by fascist dictators, try to erase people based on a misled biblical belief, are willing to take babies from their mother's arms as she tries to save their lives, never to be reunited, think that my family should be abolished, feel that women should be neither seen nor heard unless to be commanded or groped, feel that only the wealthy elite matter, then no, I do not have time or space in my life for that.

See, this isn't about policy. This isn't about job growth or the economy. This is about people's lives. And if you can't see that or if you don't care, then your privilege is blinding to you and those around you. And if that is the space where you choose to live, then we don't simply have a difference in politics, we have a difference in morality. And that is not something I can overlook.

Five Years.

I have written this post in my head several times in the days leading up to and during the fifth anniversary of your passing. It feels different now. It almost feels more permanent - not easier, not harder, just different. Perhaps it is because of all that has passed since you've been gone. Perhaps it is because I feel like I have a little piece of you again in your namesake. Perhaps it is because I'm different. Or more probable still, it is a little of all of these things.

Five years.

In the last five years, so many major life events have taken place. I honestly cannot say that I felt you there the vast majority of the time, but I did on December 9th. When they laid him on my chest, when I kissed him and held him for the first time. When he looked at me with such an old soul in his sweet and wondrous eyes, I saw you. A strange and unknown sense of peace entered my life on that day. At the same time, more anxiety than I have ever known accompanied it. As always, the yin and yang of life, one comes with the other.

Five years.

Molly, James, and Henry have grown so much. They all have learned to ski and are quite good at it. Mom is as busy as ever, always on the move, traveling, working, and adventuring. All of us kids are in full swing with work and kids and life. But there is still a hole where you belong. There is still an empty seat at the table where our hearts ache for your mischief.

Five years.

He has your eyes, dark and intense as well as humorous and twinkling. He has your sweet nature mixed with a healthy dose of skepticism and consideration. He is physical and thoughtful. He loves the wind and the sun and the calling of the outdoors. He loves watching the world go by at Harbour River and enjoys a good glass of the house white. He woos everyone he meets, but can quickly tire of their presence. He is a gift. From you. Thank you.

Five years.

I miss you. I miss your laugh and your antics. I miss your wisdom and your thoughtfulness. I miss your story telling and your antagonistic ways. We finally laid you to rest this year. A saying goodbye in a way. A letting go. An embracing of what is true - you no longer walk beside us in this space. As they worked on your gravesite - placing an enormous slab of slate that marked the place for us to visit - a small brown bird stayed and watched all day. I have no doubt it was you, thankful to see it come to another kind of end and beginning.

Five years. 

A thousand gifts.

The greatest one being a little piece of you.

This time is different. I'm different.

I have always disliked Valentine's Day as a holiday. If you're single and not happy about it, it reminds you of it in a crappy way. If you are single and happy about it, people seem to give you more of the sympathetic side eye on a day like this (as if being single is a bad thing!). If you are in a relationship, but struggling, you feel it more intensely. If you are in a wonderful relationship, it makes you feel like you should be doing more on just this day. And let's be honest, the candy around this holiday just doesn't make it worth the splurge (Tweet me, really?).

But this year feels different. It feels like a gentle reminder to pull my head out of newborn land and be grateful for my marriage, for the love that is with me through the good and the bad. I never thought I would need a reminder to be grateful and appreciative - to celebrate us. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful and appreciative each day, but I can't say that I have made any time to "celebrate" us, our marriage, our story. Having a new baby is more consuming than I imagined it would be, especially when he has had a tough go of it. Now that he is feeling better, and we are starting to feel better, I have the room to miss "us".

And so today, I do not dislike this holiday. I am grateful for the reminder, for the excuse to do something a little special (I did say little, we still have a tiny nugget that has just a few needs throughout the day and night). I am also grateful for our newest little valentine. I look forward to the time when he gets excited to give and receive valentines. I look forward to it all, so incredibly, crazily happy to have him, to love him, to snuggle him, and to be his mom. He is pretty awesome.

So while I do get it - the dislike many have for what feels like such a commercialized holiday, I am also grateful for it, for the new perspective, for all of the love in my life, and for all of the intangible gifts that it brings. So use the day to celebrate you, your own "us", those you love, or simply the appreciation for candied hearts with affirming messages on them. After all, life really is about loving and being loved, which really does deserve it's own holiday.