Risking failure

I drive myself crazy. I have been blogging in my head over the past year and intentionally not writing it down. I passed it off on being "too busy" or not wanting to share my thoughts with the world. What if someone read them and decided that not only was I "wrong," but also irrelevant.

I began reading Linchpin by Seth Godin today for school and within the first two pages that fire that has been in my belly began to reignite. It isn't that the fire had been extinguished, but that I had pushed it down. I have a life that I wasn't ready to disrupt, compromise, expand, change, etc. This is why I have not posted my "blogged" thoughts - that dang fire. It is nearly impossible to ignore and yet the risk of failure in the attempt to listen to it, follow it, promote it, push it was too great. What if I fail?

We have been taught from day one to not fail. Do not fail in school, do not fail in friendships, do not fail in love, do not fail your drivers test, do not FAIL! And now, here I sit, 32 years old being told in all of my favorite books, from all of my favorite instructors and peers, RISK FAILURE! What? How can I? What does that look like? What do the end results mean? Black and White. When did I become so black and white? And lets face it, I am... incredibly so.

I was having a conversation with one of my instructors/friends/peers/mentors a few weeks ago and as we began discussing something that has been igniting that fire in my belly since I left school last summer, I couldn't begin to fully embrace what I want most because there is too much grey area. I used to love grey - neither here nor there, left and right, up and down, yes and no. And there I sat, for the second time, holding back, questioning, FEARING failure. Because I didn't know what it looked like, what the outcomes would be, how we would make it happen, I couldn't say... YES! I couldn't say YES, I accept this challenge. If I fail, I fail, but I will learn more from that failure than I ever will by playing it safe, at least this is what I am told.

I know in my mind that staying the course is a failure in and of itself. I will become irrelevant - perhaps my worst fear. In risking failure, I open doors, opportunities, push boundaries, excel beyond my boarders. I know in my mind that I should do this, that, and the other - but to DO it... to actually DO and not just THINK about it all.

I cannot say that I will or won't. I cannot predict what the outcomes will be, regardless of my decisions. I can, however, continue reading and let the fire burn until I can no longer ignore it - push it back - redirect it... until I am ready to risk failure.