If you were here

If you were here, I'd tell you about my conversation this morning with a young man you would enjoy meeting.

I wish I could introduce the two of you if only to hear that laugh and see that mischievous grin you seemed to carry with you everywhere. If you were here, I would introduce you to so many people I think you would enjoy.

If you were here, we could both be nervous together about mom's upcoming trip. I guess I should say excited for her, proud of her, and nervous all at the same time. If you were here, you would make sure she had everything planned out to each detail and letter - assuring she wouldn't get too lost or would not travel alone around volatile countries.

If you were here, we could laugh about the thought of her having a special brownie while in Amsterdam. This, I believe, would once again bring out that laugh and, more than likely, one of your infamous jigs.

If you were here, I wouldn't have to tell people that you passed away. I wouldn't have cried when I found the letter you wrote me not too long before you died. I wouldn't have this incessant longing to tell you about all of the funny, challenging, and interesting things going on, because I would just come over at happy hour and tell you.

If you were here, you would be in love with both Harbour and Connally. Connally would make you laugh constantly, and Harbour would be your beautiful girl. Their antics would tickle you, and you would lay your hand on their heads as they sat by you and watched the world go by.

If you were here, you would be amazed by Henry, and how wonderful of a little boy he is. You would love to see the pictures of him playing in the water and smiling in his sweet little way. You would laugh at James as he runs head first everywhere. You would find him funny and charming. You would be in love with Molly - how she's grown since you left. She can read and write and do so many things. She still probably wouldn't always care for your jokes. She is beautiful and fun. She is seven.

But you aren't here. I mean, you may be around or maybe you're not, but you aren't HERE. And so, I will continue to think of you each time I meet someone I feel you would enjoy. I will continue to worry enough about mom's travel adventures for the both of us, as well as feel proud and excited for her. I will continue to read your letter and feel my heart clench as I do.  I will put my hand on Harbour and Connally's heads in your way in hopes of them feeling the weight of you. I will be amazed by Henry, charmed by James, and enjoy Molly so that they will always know you would do the same.

I will miss you, and even as that missing changes over the seasons, I will think of you with love and thankfulness, which perhaps I didn't do enough when you were here.

It's OK to Close Your Eyes during Yoga

I don't relax well.

I wake up in the morning with a usual jolt of anxiety. I immediately grab my phone, check my email, make sure I haven't missed any emergency calls, and turn off my alarm. I bolt out of bed, jump into my work out clothes, brush my teeth, grab my water bottle, keys, and wallet, and head to CrossFit.

This is how I start my day approximately 75% of the time. The other 25% of the time, I do the same thing minus the head to work out part.

Then my CrossFit box started offering yoga once a week. YES! I need this! I need to stretch and relax and be peaceful. I can totally do this. So I went. I tried. I really tried to just breathe, relax into the pose, close my eyes. Then I learned I don't like to close my eyes. Did you realize that when you breathe, relax, and close your eyes, your brain slows down just long enough for you to start feeling things - I mean, besides anxiety, stress, rushing, movement, go - go -GO! Yeah, I wasn't a fan.

I didn't close my eyes. No ma'am.

Then they make you REALLY relax at the end of it all. I am flat on my back, breathing deeply, and our awesome instructor comes over and puts his hands on my head and shoulders in a very soothing way and says to me, "It's ok to close your eyes during yoga. It's over now. You did it. Go ahead and close your eyes."  I resisted the urge to say, if only you knew me a little more, that statement would make you laugh. But I do it. I close my eyes. I relax. I breathe. I feel - and so many emotions come through - none of which I'm terribly pleased to have presented to me.

And then it's over. I head home feeling slightly strange until I pick up my phone, check my email, look at my calendar for the day, listen to voicemail, and start the rushing again.

I immediately make a promise to go to every yoga class I can. I don't relax well. I'd like to change that.